Triangles

Do Triangles scare you? They should!

“Don’t be a square” is a time-honored phrase warning against the dangers of being boring or otherwise uncool; however, I am far more concerned with triangles than squares. When I was in seminary I (mistakenly) thought that one of the most unnecessary classes was Pastoral Theology (apologies to the Rev. Dr. Kathleen Russell). “How can someone teach me to care?” I pondered. Fortunately, a summer of working as a hospital chaplain shook me of my notion that I was an expert on caring. In higher level classes on the art of caring for others as a pastor I learned the dangers of becoming part of a triangle.

When most people hear about a dangerous triangle they might think of the one in Bermuda or perhaps some torrid love triangle, but any interpersonal relationship can beget unhealthy triangulation. When a couple fights over the dishes one partner sits at one point on the triangle, the other partner sits at a second point, and those pesky dishes (and let’s face it, it’s not really about the dishes, but that’s the flash point at the moment) sit as the third point that separates the other two points. Sometimes the problem is not dishes, but a mother-in-law. Other times it’s not spouses bickering, but brothers fighting over money that creates a tempting triangle, like in this coming Sunday’s Gospel lesson (Luke 12:13-21). Now later this week, I will focus on the parable Jesus tells, but today I wanted to start with how Jesus responded to being thrown into a triangle by one of the brothers.

A man appeared from the crowd and said to Jesus, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the family inheritance with me.” Now, we might expect Jesus to spout off some compassionate response about giving all the money to the poor, but immediately the teacher broke up any triangulation that the one brother attempted to enact. Jesus said, “Friend, who set me to be a judge or arbitrator over you?” Essentially, Jesus did not want to be put in the middle of the fight between these two brothers. How often in our lives do we follow Jesus’ example given here?

Life presents tempting offers to jump in the middle of one conflict after another. Jesus shows us here a simple way to respond that is as useful today as it was in those days. Instead of siding with one side of a conflict or another we would do well to say, “I am no judge. Figure this out on your own.” Often this can feel trickier when it is something that hooks us emotionally or when the issue is not the dishes, but how one treats one’s mother-in-law.

The Rev. Dr. Russell had a fantastic way of weaving pastoral themes into her sermons and weaving sermons into her classroom teachings. One lesson that she taught in both was a simple question that continues to guide me in interpersonal relationships, “Would you rather be kind or be right?” Breaking up the triangles that put issues between us and loved ones, friends, and neighbors requires a good bit of diligence. Jesus was wise enough to burst this brother’s bubble early in their conversation, “I’m not a judge,” or put alternatively I will not get between you and your brother. If we remember to respond with kindness instead of trying to figure out the right side on which to be many of the problems we take on in life will disappear. To learn the lesson of this week’s Good News first we must vanquish triangulation and respond with kindness to those who sit on different points than ourselves.