IF is a dangerous word. It’s the type of word that can drive me crazy. If I get all my work finished then I will be happy. If I clean my apartment, then I can rest. If I get my sermon completed, then I do not have anything to worry about. The “ifs” of the world even keep me up at night. What if a storm crashes through Decatur? What if something happens to my niece or nephews? What if my beloved Kim stops loving me?
IF is a dangerous word. I find myself gripping tightly the false sense of safety all around me, so that I do not hear the “ifs” getting louder and louder. Pray more, believe harder, go on a run, or watch something on TV, so to take my mind off the chances of this world. The grain of my life seems so fragile and with all the “ifs” I wonder, what “if” my grain dies?
IF is not just a dangerous word though. If a single grain of wheat remains gripped tightly in my hand, like all the desires, hopes, and dreams that have no room to breathe or even be, then that single grain of wheat remains just that, a single grain of wheat. But if it dies, it bears much fruit. My knuckles jut out from my hand, they turn a pale shade of white, and what is held within my hand has no chance to survive if I keep holding on.
IF I release my grip and turn my hand over the seeds that I have been given fall out of my control and into the ground. I might be able to drop the seed on some good soil, surround it with good earth, and provide it with life-sustaining water, but only God can help it to grow. So much of life feels like gripping onto what we have earned, achieved, or been given. Prosperity, savings, and whatever state of health we have; children, friends, and the relationships we have formed; the Church, our Faith, and the spirituality that makes us whole; everything that we hold dear to us, everything that we hold onto as more precious than life itself has no chance of living if it remains hidden within the grip of our clutches.
But what happens if we let light shine upon our inmost desires? What will occur if I let my true self shine? I love my life, but am I not simply living safely behind the façade of tightly clinched fist?
Jesus invites us to throw down the seeds of our lives, not so that they will immediately be prosperous, nor so that we can reap the benefits of a quick return on investment, but instead so that our deepest desires may die. Death freaks me out. Failing scares me even more. To expose my dreams that typically remain tightly gripped makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.
Yet, to live our life in Christ is to give up on perfectly enacting our desires. To live in Christ is to die to what we think is best. To dwell with Christ means that we risk failure, humiliation, pain, suffering, misunderstanding, and death. For a single grain of wheat will remain just a grain of wheat, but if it dies it bears much fruit. Our deepest desires do not die just because, they die so that we might live life in Christ.
Loosen your grip, let go of your seeds that are your dreams, your hopes, your vision for your life. Those seeds will die in some way or another. Yet, when they die Jesus will resurrect them in ways that are too profound, too magnificent, too lovely for us to imagine. Let go and let God.
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