Knock! Knock! Knock!
“Open up, Seth!” the voices were almost inaudible over the sound of the blaring music. I was furious, fuming, and fearful. Not for the first time in the last week, I had blown up at my two best friends and suitemates. In shame and rage I locked myself inside my room. There I sat, alone, and tearful.
“Open up, Seth! We’re not mad, even if you are.” I did not want to open the doors up to my room or to myself. I felt too ashamed at the way I had treated my friends. They had shown me their love through laughing with me at things I had done and teasing me, but I took it so personally that I blew up at them and closed myself inside. So there I sat, locked up inside as the knocks kept coming.
The disciples heard no knock at their door. On a day that perhaps should have been filled with happiness and joy, they kept up their guard for fear of the Jews. Of course, they themselves were Jews, so John means the Jewish leaders who put Jesus to death. Yet, earlier in this same day Mary Magdalene brought these same men the joyful news, “I have seen the Risen Lord!” Still, the disciples locked themselves away.
Perhaps it was not just fear of the Jews. Maybe they were ashamed, maybe they were anxious, maybe they were afraid of meeting the Risen Lord. Peter had denied him and the rest had deserted him. How could they face their teacher now? Yet, even in this fearful moment when the disciples locked the door to their hideout and the doors to their hearts, Jesus finds his way inside.
“Peace be with you.” Then showing his hands and his side, wounds indicating that this is indeed Jesus in the flesh and blood, not some ghost, he says it again, “Peace be with you.”
When we hurt those whom we love we often find it so hard to let them inside. I was not willing to forgive myself for the stupid way I had treated my friends. When we hurt our spouses, children, parents, friends, or neighbors we can so easily hold onto that taking it personally. When we feel shame we have a hard time forgiving ourselves. This was how I felt that day in college, and that is, I believe, how the disciples felt. They were so afraid that they had let Jesus down that they did not want Jesus’ peace to come into their lives, for they were ashamed of how they had acted.
Jesus, though goes beyond just saying “Peace be with you,” as he gives them an eternal gift. Jesus breathes on them, saying, “Receive the Holy Spirit.” This wonderful gift though is accompanied by something more. It seems that Jesus knows that the disciples locking themselves away is not just a physical response, but also a feeling of guilt associated with the act of betraying him just three days earlier. Jesus says, “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.” Even if those sins are your own. If you hold onto sins, if you cannot forgive yourselves or others, you will have a hard time receiving the Spirit. Closed hands have a hard time holding onto a gift; a hardened heart has a difficult time receiving the Spirit. Yet even when we are stuck in our rooms with the doors locked, Jesus will come and find us.
Of course, there was one who missed this visit from the Risen Lord. Who knows where Thomas was, but he did not make it to this gathering. There is often much made of this disciples’ lack of faith, but he desires simply to have the same relationship with Jesus that his fellow followers did. What is amazing is that Jesus responds to Thomas’ need. Again the doors are shut, perhaps Thomas is still closed off, but Jesus greets him with “Peace be with you!” Then he offers something more, “Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Be not faithless, but believing.” Thomas responds with a statement that shows his remorse, his belief, and his relationship with Jesus, “My Lord and my God!”
We can of course, shake our finger at Thomas for lacking in faith, but we all struggle at times to surge forward in our belief. Jesus’ respond to Thomas is not accompanied by more shaming, but rather that we, and all who have come along as ones untimely born not present for the life of Jesus, are blessed when we believe without seeing. We are continuing to receive the Holy Spirit, and we continue to find Jesus though.
I spent far too long locked away in shame for my actions on that day long back in college. We can spend a lifetime withholding forgiveness for ourselves and others. Yet, when we are not open to God’s Spirit and its ability to help us forgive and be forgiven, then we miss the gift from God. Do not lock the doors to your hearts, but instead open up and allow the Holy Spirit to come inside.
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