When I was in college I yearned for these timeless moments, like long dinners with friends or late night “bull sessions” at the local truck stop. Without thinking about it I would work really hard all afternoon to make sure that I completed most of my work, so that I could savor evening conversations. One night, though I had a different sort of evening engagement.
A staff member of the university invited a group of young male leaders to have dinner together to talk about issues around modern masculinity. The meal was lovely and the conversation stimulating. The staff person asked us to talk about serious matters like sexual assault and more light-hearted topics like low attendance at sporting events. Like a jet airliner the conversation took a little time to make it down the runway, but fairly soon we had taken off and were soaring through the various questions. As it happened I was sitting with some men with whom I was already good friends, and so our conversing came so naturally that the topics all flowed together seamlessly. Pretty soon I had that familiar feeling that I just did not want the moment to end. Then, something strange happened.
Right at the moment when our conversation appeared to peak, the leader made everyone stop talking—except it was not to ask another question or pose a new direction of dialogue. The middle-aged man spoke something that I will probably never forget. He said to the group of eager male leaders, “What a great conversation that we are having! I bet this is one of the best discussions you’ve had. Can you believe how great this is going?” With this statement, the feeling of time standing still ended. With this statement the airliner that was our conversation came crashing down to an abrupt emergency landing. With this statement not one of the tables was able to keep the conversation going.
I have joked with my friends about that evening in the years since then. Any time we have a good, lengthy conversation and there is a momentary pause someone seems to interject a remark about how the conversation is going so well. There are many ways to ruin good discourse. Pointing out how good it is going seems to be high upon that list. Although, it is not alone. Sometimes what may hurt an interchange of free flowing thoughts, ideas, and feelings, hopes and dreams and even deep, dark secrets, what may hurt the most is realizing that the conversation is seemingly about to end.
The disciples of Jesus were upset; their hearts were troubled and not for nothing. They knew whether consciously or not that something was about to happen to their teacher, their leader, their beloved friend, and they did not want it to happen. Lazarus’ had been raised not too much earlier, but death still hung in the air. In an attempt to calm down his friends and followers Jesus described in beautiful detail what was to happen next.
Jesus said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way to the place where I am going.” We know these words so well ourselves. If you have been to a burial service at St. John’s it may very well have featured this astonishing promise as the center piece, the Good News. Even when the disciples get the sense that the conversation may be ending, Jesus expresses to them that he goes ahead to prepare a place, so that their time together will never truly cease.
Sometimes when I am in the midst of a marvelous moment with free flowing conversation and a deepening sense of connection with my fellow children of God I remember a bit from Matthew’s Gospel account that the Prayer of John Chrysostom borrowed. This offering from Scripture and our Daily Prayer services reminds us that when two or three are gathered together Jesus will be in our midst. What a profound promise that we are given by that statement! I do not just hope that to be true, all those marvelous times of fellowship have made me realize its truth; however, this is not simply something that we know in moments of happiness. Rather, even in the midst of big transitions, doubt, fear, and loss Jesus comes to be with us when we gather together.
As the rest of this Gospel story for today played out Thomas and Philip expressed doubt, ignorance, and obliviousness. And yet, Jesus showed the way, the truth, and the life; he expressed that even the smallest belief—not accent with the mind, but hope in the heart—yes, even the smallest belief in him or even his works opened up the possibility for the greatness of God to flow through that person. Still, as we sit here like trouble-hearted disciples of old we may feel overwhelmed by a transition that lies ahead: a graduation, a procedure, a newborn child, a time of letting go, moving up a grade, or finally retiring. In these liminal moments we may not fully feel connected with God. Perhaps the conversation has grown cold. Maybe, we’ve lost the way. Or even, we were having a good conversation, but stopping to think about it has halted the speaking altogether. How do we keep going?
Focusing on doubt, fear, and loss is often easier than continuing onward. The real quagmire of broken-heartedness ensnares us all when we stare the awful realities of this world in the face—not only the problems that pop up on front pages or cell phone screens, but also the dilemmas of daily life and the supposed solutions that this world often provides. We cannot earn our way out, buy our way out, or think our way out of life’s difficulties; we are still the disciples who stand before Jesus with our hearts troubled. How we continue onward, even in light of the Resurrection, sometimes seems impossible. So what do we do? How do we keep going?
Even if we are careful and cautious and gracious to ourselves, quite often we fall into the trap of thinking that salvation is up to us. That we must be the way, the truth, and the life. We think that all our doubts must be overcome and that our prayers must be perfect and that if our prayers do not get answered in the way that we think they ought to be, then we have somehow done it wrong. If there was ever a conversation worth stopping it would be this one that we have with ourselves. It is not up to us to provide eternal salvation to ourselves.
Jesus says I go to prepare a place for you and not only that I come again to take you to that place, so that we might dwell together with him in that holy meal, that grand celebration, that festive conversation that never ceases. We get stuck on trying to figure it all out for ourselves, instead of trusting that God came, comes, and will continue to come to us. We busy ourselves worrying about how to solve all the problems of the world that we forget that Jesus is the one that goes ahead of us to lead us into the fullness of God. Jesus is the one who comes back to bring us to God. Jesus is the one who leads us into transformed lives!
Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. He goes with us always. Through transitions big and small, doubts miniscule and grandiose, and losses tiny and enormous Jesus goes with us. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God. Believe also in Jesus.
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